Mid-way through dinner tonight, we heard a loud “BANG!” Everyone looked up from their plates wondering what it had been. A firework left over from the 4th of July? A gunshot? Some sort of explosion? Within minutes, we saw a blaze across the lake, forming a crimson path on the water and sharpening the silhouette of the pine tree in front of it. It happened in a flash — a quiet and peaceful evening turned into a steady stream of sirens and a fireball raging out of control, smoke billowing and flames leaping. Read more
Posts tagged ‘gratitude’
As I described in an earlier post, summer (sleepaway) camp was a formative experience for me. It was the first time in my young life I felt truly independent. It got me out of my sheltered world into a still-sheltered-but-not-as-sheltered place where vegetarians and musicians and people with dreadlocks and counselors with tatoos lived. But most importantly, it reinforced that much of life’s meaning and joy comes from people and relationships and communities they form. This focus on people wasn’t something we explicitly talked about; it was just one of the cultural norms of the camp. It was the way people showed up every day. One of the practical and concrete ways this manifested was overwhelmingly simple: every person in the 12-person tent taped a brown paper lunch bag onto her metal bed frame. The purpose of the bag was to collect “warm fuzzies,” or short notes from tentmates about what makes them so awesome. For example, warm fuzzies said things like “thank you for taking time to ask how I feel about being adopted,” or “I think you’re a beautiful singer,” or “I can’t believe you swam all the way across the lake this morning!”
I’ve thought about this exercise many times over the years, and wondered how this simple concept of proactive feedback could become more of a mainstay in our lives. Maybe because of the warm fuzzy experience or maybe because “words of affirmation” are my leading love language*, I’ve tried to carry this through in my personal relationships. Early in our relationship, I used to leave little handwritten love notes all over the place — in my husband’s suitcase, pocket, computer case, backpack, car, etc. He started doing the same (maybe out of guilt, but I’ll take it), and my heart would leap when I’d find a warm fuzzy stuck on the mirror or on a bottle of juice in the fridge. But as time has gone on and our lives have gotten more complicated, I’ve realized I barely ever do this anymore.
So in the spirit of wellness and connection and gratitude, I’m resurrecting it — for my husband and for my kids (what kid doesn’t like a love note in their lunch box once in a while). This practice — a short message scrawled on a post-it — is for me, an easy and meaningful way to tell people I care about how awesome they are. It can take less than a minute and can totally change someone’s day. So if you do one thing today to support your relationships in a new way, give someone a warm fuzzy. It might make their day — and yours — a whole lot better.
*If you’re not familiar with the concept of love languages, it can be a great relationship-building exercise. You can learn more here.
People are talking about purpose a lot these days, as bloggers and academics and coaches debate whether it’s better to actively “find your purpose” versus do things that “help your purpose find you.” A quick web search for the term “purpose” returns an endless stream of results, including one website where I can apparently find out “how to discover my life’s purpose in about 20 minutes.”
Although it would be awesome if the purpose question could be answered in 20 short minutes on the Internet, I actually think that figuring this out – what your purpose is, what to do to find it/let it find you, and how it should and can realistically direct your life – is extraordinarily difficult and requires time and effort (I wrote a post about the early stages of my personal purpose journey a few months ago). But there is something I think is related, yet much easier to wrap your head around and practice: living life on purpose.
In my mind, there is a significant difference between living a purpose-driven life and living life on purpose. The former comes from a very deep place that touches the core of our being; this is my deep, deep aspiration and my individual journey, but not yet my current reality. The latter, however, relates to things that are easier to grasp – things like reason and deliberation and goal-directedness and the ability to hold both the near-term and the long-term at the same time. This definitely isn’t easy, but to me, it seems doable.
For me, living life on purpose is about being intentional about my actions and decisions (I’ve heard this described as disambiguation, which sounds robotic, but makes good sense to me). Living with intention involves things like actively making trade-offs, aiming to always understand how your time is being spent and why, and putting guardrails in place to ensure you stay on track. For example, in my wellfesto, I’ve made commitments like “I exercise as much as my time and body allow because it gives me energy and de-clutters my mind and helps me stay in the present and helps me feel like myself;” and “I prioritize my relationships with my husband, kids, family, and friends even when it means sacrifice in other areas of my life.” These statements have very little to do with my deep, core purpose in life….but they have everything to do with living life on purpose.
I had a professor in graduate school who shared a story about how she and her partner sat down every January 1 and talked about various aspects of their lives that were going well versus not. Something she said really stuck with me (paraphrasing here): “We know it’s impossible to optimize for everything we’d like in our lives, so we work to find a comfortable balance between things that are great and things that aren’t. For example, we’d like to live in a warmer climate, but we love our jobs…so living in Chicago trumps moving to a warmer place. We’d like to make more money, but we value autonomy, so we’re OK with a simpler lifestyle.” She had incredible clarity about the trade-offs she was making and why. She was (and still is, I hope) living life on purpose.
Different people likely thrive with varying levels of intentionality about the way they live their lives. Some may float through life happily, letting things come into and go out of their lives with little though…and that’s fine. But others may benefit from greater attention and intention, in everyday moments, phases of their life (i.e., the roaring 20s or the mid-thirties parenting fog), or their whole life. If you’re interested in applying the idea of intention, here are a few strategies that have worked for me:
- Be clear about what matters most to you: Be honest with yourself and the people around you about what’s most important to you….and then design your life to maximize time around those things.
- Actively make trade-offs: Take stock now and again of what’s going on in your life and why. If there are things that aren’t ideal, think about them in the context of everything else. Can you make peace with renting instead of buying a house because you don’t have the risk profile to carry a huge mortgage? Can you live with a career plateau so you can see your kids grow up? Or are you OK with finding someone amazing to take care of your kids so you can make a meaningful impact in your work?
- Focus on the present: I posted earlier this week that “the way we spend our days is the way we spend our life.” Think about where your time is going every day, and work toward a place where the way you spend most of your days reflects the way you see yourself spending your life. I think there is a lot of value in the saying “we become what we do all day long.”
- Ask for feedback: Talk to good friends and family now and again about whether they believe you’re walking the walk and not just talking the talk about what matters most. Our best friends are often our most honest mirrors.
- Be thankful. Being able to live life on purpose is easier for some people than it is for others. If you’re lucky enough to have the structural support, time and autonomy to be intentional about your minutes and hours and days and years, don’t lose sight of what a luxury that is. A simple gratitude practice may push you one step further…
With or without an omnipresent purpose, not everything in life can be bright and shiny all the time. But it’s a lot easier to accept the things that aren’t when they have been actively chosen versus decided for us. To me, this peace of mind and clarity of thought is the greatest value of living life on purpose.
How do you feel about living your life on purpose? Does it matter to you, or does it feel constraining? If intention is important to you, what do you do to make sure you’re living the way you want to be living?
We are entering the month of love – a month when red and pink abound, heart-shaped goodies show up in bakery windows, flower sales spike, and restaurants dim the lights a little bit more. I’m not into the Hallmark-y, dozen-roses-on-the-table manifestation of love, but I am into the idea of manifesting love in lots of different ways, not just in February, but every day. Outward expressions of love come in countless shapes and sizes…so, kicking February off right, here are a few examples I’d like to share: Read more
I’m not a formally religious person. Rather, through years of living in New York and now the Bay Area, I’ve evolved into a token 21st-century “spiritual, but not religious” person, looking to things like yoga, nature, books, and other people for some sort of understanding of why we’re all here on this earth (more to come on that some other time). And while this view is liberating and open and inclusive, it also brings with it some challenges. Questions like how to incorporate the childhood religious traditions/rituals (i.e., singing Silent Night by candlelight on Christmas Eve, volunteering in the church food pantry, family Easter scavenger hunts) are ambiguous and difficult to resolve. Read more